What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 07:29
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He knew the spot.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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We all went to grammer schools
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do you think cheating is that bad?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I have no regrets .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why do atheists want to see God so badly?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She found it foreign!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I think the readers, may guess!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I don,t even have a pension.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
What did i know ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is soul school!.
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My family never makes their pension either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She wouldn,t have been !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When she asked me how she looked .
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I write beautiful poetry .
Was to survive, this bastard.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Who then, do I blame.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But, we were locked up after school.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ive learnt so much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
Comes on , in middle age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.